Cleaning The Psychic House

29 02 2008

Memories are really powerful – Head of the infirmary, Madam Pomfrey put it best in the closing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: “There were still deep welts upon [Ron’s] forearms where the brain’s tentacles had wrapped around him.  According to Madam Pomfrey, thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else…” (pg 847)

I started this post over 12 hours ago and it’s interesting how different things are in just that span of time.  I had awoken from a particularly horrific nightmare – more horrific potentially because it was the first sleep I’d been able to get for the better part of a week. 

As you are well aware, I’ve been dealing with some perplexing health issues since the beginning of the year.  It’s like my body has been purging years of bad food, negative thinking and lack of exercise.  The toll has been sapping me of a lot of energy and a subsequent issue has been my inability to focus on just about anything – work, writing, training, the dog and connections.  I’ve been keeping going and those whom don’t know me all that well haven’t seen anything different … but …

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been in two auto accidents – one more ‘severe’ than the other and a rather stupid motorcycle mishap … all three were me in vehicles of people I didn’t exactly trust.  A close friend of mine passed on and friends have been coping with others’ cancer returning, falls of the elderly, Alzheimer’s and deaths.  Just what  is going on?   It’s like the Universe is doing a shake down to see what happens.

I had this strange sense of foreboding before I went to sleep last night – and for good reason.  Everyone has things that they mis-identified themselves with in their past … pains or whatnot … and with any luck, they just fade into the fabric of their lives and they move along.  I’ve had a few things that were responses to situations that were choices between two really unpleasant situations.  They fall into a few Pandora’s Boxes that I’ve recently started dealing with.  The one that I thought I’d never be clear of came to mind last night. 

My head injury had given me the luxury of not dealing with a lot of things because I’d thought I’d forgotten about them.  The truth of the matter is that I knew they were there, but I just avoided looking at them.  It’s time to look at them and clean out the space for the good to have a place to flourish. 

I’d been creamed by the contents of this particular box for years, but nobody can give me back the years nor can I go back and do things differently.  I had a choice: Let the box continue to ooze it’s negative contents all over my life or deal with it once an for all.  As I took time today to empty out this box I realized that I made the right decision every time … the only wrong decision was allowing myself to be around people who damned me because of it … and damning myself.

I feel really weak because I went back and went through the feelings of loss and self loathing which identified my life at that time … but … I used the same feeling that gets me across the finish lines when I’ve got nothing left to clear away the mess of this box and drag it out to the curb …

The various things we use to identify ourselves or define our lives are really important.  Before a race, I might have butterflies, but I contact by phone or text some of the most amazing friends in the world.  I fortify myself with the most nurturing energy and love from friends whom have more faith in me than I have had in myself … then I get out on the course and do my level best to STOMP ALL OVER IT … with a sassy skirt swish and a smile on my face.

Madam Pomfrey was right about memories … I’ll have some scars from this one … but I think the tentacles won’t harm me anymore.

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