Why I usually represent ‘something’ …

2 03 2008

It’s been a rough handful of weeks.  The hardest is now two weeks old.  I know my friend/mentor Garett will always be camped out in the back of my head, it took a week past his ‘memorial service’ for me to really *feel* that he’s truly left.  No more hugs or off the wall e-mails or texts that I don’t quite get.  My training has taken a lot of hits as has just about everything else that is ‘supposed’ to be important in my world.

Yesterday was the fundraising fair for Team In Training.  I lucked out and got to walk with a buddy of mine from Boulder.  We were critiquing each others’ form as we were chatting along … “and you’re ok about your friend passing away … your foot’s slapping …”  We got back to the fair and I ran into the rather worried father of my 1.5 year old patient honoree Brandan … he didn’t look right as he was following his daughter:

“Where’s my boyfriend?” I tried to smile, but you would hear or see Brandan if he’s in the room.  He had to be taken to the emergency room the previous evening throwing up.  Not good.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and got to the table where I was explaining the off-line fundraising system.  I felt really useless, you know.  Here’s this little kid who is actually allergic to his parents’ blood just trying to survive and here I am a Universal Donor O+ who can’t help because he’s actually allergic to that … and I’ve got veins where it’s hard to give blood samples.

I was making myself a cup of tea when I heard this happy girggle giggle … Yeah … it was my Bud. All smiles and energy.  It was like he was waiting until the event was almost over and the other child Patient Honorees would have gone home before he made his grand entrance … and was properly fawned all over by everyone. 

As we were cleaning up, Brandan’s big sister Cassie was twirling around as the pretty princess.  I took some time to learn specially created ballet ‘moves’ and taught her a few back.  We laughed … must be hard to not be able to go to school out of fear of bringing home colds which might kill her brother.  She told me she was going to be going on an date with her imaginary friend Yoshi who brings her flowers.

It was time to go and I, as usual, left alone. I look around and see how amazingly people pull their families together and deal with these challanges.  I’ve got friends who are the strongest most amazing survivors of whatever life has thrown at them … they just keep on truckin’.  I’m being surrounded by incredible people whom have or were afflicted by diseases that are, as one friend said about his: “rare and dangerous”.  I see all this forward motion and feel so useless … the cures aren’t happening fast enough for my friend, Brandan and others. 

I’m not fundraising for TNT this go around, but I’m putting in what time I’ve got.  I just can’t keep tapping people, and I feel bad about it.  San Diego might get a little expensive with the hotel and transportation, but if my being a part of this team keeps people going so more money can be raised … I’m there.  I’ve just signed up for the Tri for the Cure because Komen helped me out … and I’ve never done a triathalon … and, yes, I’m racewalking the 5K!  I really want to figure out how to do an event for the Hole In The Wall Gang that sponsors kids with cancer to go to summer camp.

Why does the hyper competitive me try to hold her temper at crappy water stations and during events when I’m wearing a shirt for TNT, St. Jude’s, or wherever? Because I’d love this little kiddo and bundle of love to get old enough where the shoes he’s playing in are his own!

Brandan in Big Shoes 

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brando 

“Anything is possible. You can be told that you have a 90-percent chance or a 50-percent chance or a 1-percent chance, but you have to believe, and you have to fight”

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about”

“Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible,
and achieves the impossible”

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