A promise is a promise … Coming Clean … an ode to a Q

17 08 2008

Ever have a couple of days when everything just goes away?  Ok – writing yesterday’s post and this one have been challanges!

I’m still really cold. Wrists and ankles feel like there’s something setting in. There’s a scene in the movie Air America where Robert Downey, Jr says he’s fine in the air, but on the ground he … messes … up. That’s kind of how I feel with racing. I’m fine when I’m racing but when I’m not, I just start disassembling myself. I’m feeling dehydrated and my one pair of shoes with decent tread are still soaked! I’ve got other concerns right now over miles, however.

No we're not related ... we just both have crinkly smiles when we're really happy

No we are not related - we both just have crinkly smiles when we're laughing.

I’ve been pretty open with my being a functional anorexic. I found out on my last trip to CA that I’m the last one of my study group that is not only athletic but not on meds with a slew of medical issues. I attribute that to the functional part of the anorexia. Once I understand something, I figure out how to work with it. Over the last 12 or so years, I’ve confided in a handful of people – but they don’t get it because I’ve always had so much excess weight that they figure that it was either a misdiagnosis or that I’m ‘over it’. The thing about anorexia is that you’re never ‘over it’ and functionals like me are kind of the ones who fly under the radar.

My buddy Er was the first person I trusted to be a promise keeper about my ‘little problem’. We went to a lot of shows together – he’s from LA and I’m from SF. Everyone thought he was my cousin of sorts because we were grand pals … and we wrote a lot … in fact I think I’m still in better contact with him than I am any member of my biological family. At any rate – Er would give me a hug and if he felt ribs … it was off to feed the Lizzy! He knew the more depressed I got, the more it was linked to my not eating because food … well … it’s the one thing I can have some sort of control over.

I didn’t really have a second “Jiminey Cricket” until I met my buddy Q. He’s a kick and I actually do listen to him as he really doesn’t have time for nonsense when it comes to his buddy kicking herself for no particularly good reason. When I started walking, I was really concerned about my starting to seriously over train in an effort to work off the excess calories and wondered if I would stop eating here and there. In a marathon conversation, I took a risk and making a promise to Q that whenever I started to feel like my functional anorexic tendencies were coming back, I’d notify him. I was in the beginning of one of those ‘feelings’ and his teasing about my Clif Bar diet not being enough would get me to add at least some pasta or something. He was helping out a friend running the Colfax 1/2 and since I knew he’d be there, I grabbed a few extra apples and stuff from the finisher’s area … there was plenty. “Lookie Q …. I’m eating!!!” I kind of spat apple juice and he made it a point to show me where to go to see my time. I’m such a new-bee, hu?

About a month ago – in the middle of not being able to walk properly, stress of office move and those games people play etc, I started to see myself as a cow. If you’ve met me, you know I’ve not got the ‘dainty’ girl build. I probably was supposed to be a guy, but it’s a good thing I’m not because that standing up to pee thing is a mystery to me! (smile).  I’m losing some weight in my upper body, but my lower still is really stocky. I found some old photos when I used to ice skate, and I’ve always been this way … kind of. Back in the day, however, it was always a number’s game – the actual numbers on the scale and I don’t have that dainty frame. It’s messed me up for a very long time as I have been extremely heavy. Without being able to exercise properly, I’d been putting on weight … the funny thing, of course, is that I do like to eat … just food hasn’t been my friend lately!

So – I caught myself staring at my legs at the Georgetown race wondering if they would ever be trim at all. If the makers of Body Glide have their way, they never will be. I’m sure I’m built this way for a reason, but I simply can’t fathom it at this point. They did come in handy when The Boys and I were in Clear Creek where Q took us to ice down our legs. Of course, I’m hanging out with three guys whose combined body fat equals mine! It was cold, but I was able to pop out fairly far and I think it was Q who said he was amazed I could get out that far … my response: “It’s called Body Fat, Dear!” We had had a body fat conversation and the Boys did emphatically state that body fat on a girl was a good thing … take a look at what is deemed ‘desirable’ in the media, boys and you’ll see where the problem is for your favorite single girl!

Q and Me ... I'm making some kind of point ... and yes his bag is full of snacks!

Q and Me ... Twinsy shoes and yes the bag is full of snacks for the Speedy Sneakers!

At any rate – someplace around the top of the year, Q and I had a long conversation about how I see myself. This is a guy who *can’t* put on weight no matter how he tries and me who has been finding his weight for him! Leads to a funny friendship. Anyway – I promised I’d tell him when my functional anorexic demons started coming out to play with my head. They usually come out when I’m feeling beaten up from a lot of directions … like I have been for the last few months. It’s an interesting dynamic, however, when your “Jiminey Cricket” is 110 pounds soaking wet, in jeans, after three meals and in hiking boots … but I do listen to him … he doesn’t have to stand on a chair to make it happen … he glares and barks! What does he get out of the deal? The ‘fun’ of teasing me back in to eating (or into tears to get through whatever is getting to me) and good chocolate … yeah – I found out that he loves sweets as much as I do … and loves chocolate … 🙂

The other thing about Q is he and the Eagle are probably the Prince’s of Team Shep. They probably remember what it was like when they were just getting going and kept hitting plateaus. I don’t think either of them truly believe it when I give them a finishing time, but I’m usually giving myself some wiggle room so that I don’t get too far down on myself. Also – they both like to eat, so I can be a piggy around them and they don’t give it a second thought.

So – as I say – after coming off of two really good and hard fought for personal records, I’m fighting to tell myself that I deserve to eat in order to keep it all going. Why am I writing it here … because it’s about time I recognize the problem. And it’s time that one of my really good friends gets the recognition he deserves. I have a feeling that the two of them will be pretty instrumental in my keeping going … What the heck — Three Great Guys on Team Shep who make me laugh: Dave – With his foot in my rear, being a pal, and keeping me going, Q – reminding me to eat, being an awesome inspiration, and kick in the ass, and the Eagle – for flying around helping me with stats, backing up Q, and being the Keeper of Keys …

Thanks … off to eat a 20g Clif … and drink a gallon of water before the movies.

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