Friends, Time, and Anxiety Attack …

21 02 2009

You know, I didn’t really realize how much I sort of find meaning amongst the nonsense when I’ve got a series of races planned. This year, due to finances and potentially misplaced priorities of keeping a light racing schedule, I’ve got relatively little going on my plate — I think this must change!

Stair climbs are not something I’m particularly good at. I signed up with a little friendly “peer pressure” from Lynn, Mike Mc, Jax and KristEn – but we all know just how I am. It’s something to look forward to.

Last night, I was at a dinner-&-movies at buddies who can get me out on a potentially snowy night with a  car sans heat, defrost, properly working wipers and somewhat sketchy electrical. They’ve been working on me … putting up with my eccentricities? … since we met toward the middle of last summer. I’ve been feeling kind of mentally beaten up a lot lately because so many things that just shouldn’t be are happening and I spend a lot of time near tears because I’m so tired of fighting just to get to the bottom rung of things. I just needed an island of safety or something. The thing about these friends is that they’re truly pals … and have an amazing movie collection … most of which I can explain the popular culture phenomenon of, but never really found the time to make it to! That and Scott is a wizard in the kitchen and Grace is amazingly witty … and can fill me in on lines from the films if I don’t hear them properly.

I needed last night more than they probably did! I’m realizing that now as I’ve spent the majority of the day slogging through a book for class that could have been really quite interesting, but was so poorly written that it’s been a drudge almost as bad as reading Playing the Race Card for “History through Film”.

For the 6 hours I was there, I felt the anxiety/panic/depression/whatever anxiety attack just slide away like it did when I was wandering Huntington Beach by myself. Big hugs, cranberry goat cheese on bagel chips, wine, water, fish, stuffed mini bell peppers, and a smidge of dessert. We’re all within a year of each other in age, so a cartoon before teh movie is the norm. Every time I’ve gone over, they’ve surprised me with something mainly because they have a great time. We all laugh that the “pop culture historian/expert” here has to have them fill in blanks because I wasn’t around people who really has the fun they do. Foster’s Home of Imaginary Friends for the Cartoon and the first two Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

I trust Scott enough to try to explain what is going on – usually when I’m having an anxiety/depression/whatever ookiness. His usual answer is “Um … stop that!” in that “well – if it hurts, then stop it, Dweebis” sort of way not being an ass. The funny thing was talking with him about my getting up at 5 today and mentioning the stair climb. He stopped cutting what it was he was cutting saying “Uh – I thought you said you weren’t doing that.” I smiled and said “Well … I did sign up and it’s on the schedule, and a smidge of peer pressure …” he just looked at me knife in hand. “And … look … I’m just doing it to complete a promise. I’m not going to race it or anything. I nearly killed myself last year.” His reply was a rather knowing “Uh=hu….” as he went back to his cooking … that Uh-hu can be translated into … “Whatever, Lizzy … I’m not buying the bill of goods you’re trying to sell to yourself …” coming from a man who has seen me be incredibly stupid through the entire time we’ve known each other.

Now, after spending 90% of today reading this truly God-awful book … and not skimming like I wanted to but having to Read It because I get lost in the names and places … I feel I’ve wasted a beautiful day. Too sore to really go out and train … and having to get my other stuff done. Dang this book was bad – it’s about a woman in Mississippi who really actively lived the Civil Rights battles in that area. I’d have to say – cut out about 1/3rd of it … and dump some of the colloquialisms … Some was fascinating, however …

I’ve finally got a race tomorrow. I need to get some food in me to work from so I can hit the gym after and start to get my self in order for the week. I just breathe in and feel like there’s something trying to glue my esophogus together and a baby elephant sitting on my chest. I’m right near tears – like somehow I’ve lost something dear to me and I don’t have any clue as to what it is.

I look over at Bailey and check her breathing. She’s not been feeling really well, but I think that has to do with snacks and not being thrilled with my being gone so much. I think friends are OK.

Tomorrow, I’m going to try out the Nathan water pack that I got last year. I’ve not had a chance to figure out the Polar that I got that isn’t GPS mainly because the replacement chest strap was exactly the same as the one I was trying to replace. I’ll wear the only pair of “real” running shoes (as opposed to my growing pile of racing slicks which range from slightly dead to very dead) and make it a point to warm up the legs before I get in the stairwell.

Like every race – be it a 5k, 1/2 or stair climb – I have to work on my starting out too fast and dying. In the case of a stair-climb, it’s kind of like a 5k with an attitude. What I mean is if I start out too fast on a long walk, I have some time to make it up and slip into a groove. On a 5k, I don’t have much recovery at all. Since, again, I’ve not trained really for this stair climb thing – I have to keep myself paced half way decently. I also have to keep myself from looking to see how fast I did it last year in an effort to try NOT to beat that … as I’ve already proven this year, I’m behind on trying to beat my own times … I was something like 5 minutes over my PR for the 1/2 and 14 minutes over my PR for the full marathons at Disney this year and have not been able to do much of anything because I beat myself up so much.

Ok – maybe I’m having a splash of depression also. I see breaks coming in a positive way … I’ve just got to get through the putrid mess of other things to get there!!! Yeah – not a happy happy Lizzy post … but I always promised I’d be honest.

And honestly … to quote Scarlett O’Hara … Tomorrow is another day … and to add to it … Tomorrow is another day to chip away at things and get things right!

Love to you all and thanks for putting up with my black or gray or slightly strangely colored moods …

Love Always – Lizzy …

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