From a windy, cold, AM drive up the CA Coast.

16 03 2009

It appears every time I leave Denver, I am on some sort of a mission that has no real connection with the actual reason why I left. Every drive back up to LAX finds me at Java Man in Hermosa Beach … thinking. I’m in a great deal of leg pain and soreness, but not anything that I can’t deal with … I am, however, a great deal psychically lighter. Too bad I’m still 168 pounds, but I’ll deal with that too.

I was really looking forward to giving something new a try. I was in Huntington Beach allegedly to do a little race. I know that I wanted to do well; at the very least, finish. I didn’t do either actually. I did, however, notice some gaping holes in a variety of areas of my training … prioritizing, paying attention, and making time for it. As I sit here in probably one of my favorite coffee shops in California with my leg balanced on a chair, I know that this leg mess is simply a continuation of last year. I have been walking face-first back into some old injuries … and an attitude that is probably genetic. I couldn’t afford to get my leg and back properly cared for, so I read, backed off on training and asked personal experts. What I need is to get back to the chiropractor and get things re-set … and that takes time and money. I also had a problem with my last chiropractor … he was fine for a while, but didn’t quite get sports.

Money – ah … yes … that. I just “wasted” several hundred dollars not doing well in a race, but getting rid of personal baggage. Probably when it comes out in the wash, my paying enough attention to myself to stop when I would have tried to continue says a lot more about where I am at this point. Of course, the fact that my head is telling me I should have not stopped and is still attempting to beat me soundly … that isn’t a terrific sign. Maybe the good thing is that I’m finding the good in the whole thing.  

I’ve got to find time to really enjoy my training time like I used to. Lately, it’s been kind of slammed between things that are the consequence of my taking things very seriously … or not seriously enough. Isn’t that the rub? I am seeing there are things I’d like to do and a load of rock that needs to be shifted before I can get there. I’ve so been defined by my apparent laziness that I try to do a smidge too much to stave off the boredom.

I’ve been stopping the emotional drain – but I’ve got to let myself heal after each of these huge things I chunk off. A friend of mine said that in the last couple of months, I’ve chunked off and attempted to deal with more than most do in a couple of years … but that’s my way, eh? I didn’t deal with some stuff in the past and I have carried around the baggage because it was packed and unfinished. This weekend, I took one of the biggest of all the bags I’ve carried around out to the proverbial curb … and I’m really tired. And when I’m this tired, it’s hard to even be interested in training ‘specially when it is inside on a treadmill due to cold or time. That’s part of why I started weight work. The baggage abatement doesn’t have really anything to do with racing … but an awful lot to do with my self esteem and sense of self.  A gal I’ve known since we were 8 said that she’s seen me as some sort of a “super woman” ever since she met me. The funny thing is that I don’t feel like I’ve done much. I wonder if that ever changes.

Shifting baggage like this isn’t really easy. It leaves holes. Last year, in an effort to deal with the pain of lessons, I’d shove myself into another race … forgetting everything and just falling into chasing down the guy in the red shirt or the heavy set girl in pink shorts. All I did was continue to hurt myself. It’s not that I’m trying to prove I’m “immortal” … I’m verymortal. It’s to try to feel like there’s a purpose to me doing any of this. A friend asked why I have been paying for a coach … was I trying to legitimize my doing a sport that most think isn’t. I couldn’t really answer. I know I sometimes need someone to get between me and the wall that I continually throw myself against and give me some sort of direction or something to aim for – within reason.

I’ve not felt good about the three little races I’ve done this year. I was somewhat happy with some of my races last year, but not happy about the injury load and that injuries kept coming up. The good thing about the injuries is that they brought to the forefront the large chunks of my past that I’d not dealt with and that had to be dealt with in order to start building my confidence. I’m a cheerleader for other people, but I don’t cut myself a lot of slack. I have been dealing with things that it really doesn’t matter if anyone else understands. It’s been really traumatic in some cases, but I’m coming through on the far side. I have been injured and I cannot stand it at all. It’s a sign of unacceptable weakness …unacceptable excuse. I was told i was hiding behind injuries and lot living up to my potential … My races this year have all been substandard … but, then again, so has my dedication to training. I’ve been doing what I can, but other things have been caving in.

I keep writing that sport is a mental game and it is. I know that clearing out my head has left me pretty vulnerable for a little bit of time. My temper is a little closer to the top than it has been for a long time and I’ve been handing out asbestos drawers to folks. So many other people have things far worse than I do, I’ve just been too weak to deal in the past and now *have* to deal with it or I’ll never get under the 12 minute mile hurdle … and be stable at any speed.

I guess it’s getting time to go. I’m having strange shooting pains going down the inside of my calf. Very disconcerting. Looking forward to restarting some of my exercising, hitting the weight room again, figuring out how to strengthen and re-hab this leg and helping a friend of mine with his training. I’ve got nothing planned for April, that’s got to change.



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