If you WERE stupid and you know it clap your hands …

25 03 2009

CLAP !! CLAP!!

Yes, sir-ree, Bob! I am clapping to beat the band!

My former stupidity –> blindly powering through all the injuries of 2008. Yes — I am taking a very deep bow … but let’s just hope the ice pack doesn’t slide off of the spot between my shoulder blades that the chiropractor, Dr. Thomas, fixed today.

My powering through has a very long history … but one would have thought that by 44 I would have my brain engaged properly and have a sense of my own mortality … but … I just shoved event after event with injury on top of injury. Last night, I was doing a little research for the master’s thesis — woot-woot! she’s actually starting to do some research on motivation — and it was like a little light came on.

I lost my internal motivation because my competing became something I had stopped doing for myself and had started doing for all sorts of external reasons. When that happened, I clicked out of taking care of me and in to the old destructive patterns I had when I was doing sports (especially skating) when I was a kid. Instead of truly having a good time, I was powering through … I was not listening to my body screaming “Yo – Dip-Dork! I HURT!!!!” and kind of forgot something.

So … I’m paying for it. Yup. But, I’m not internalizing it. I know a lot of the sense of “failure” comes from the outside that I’ve internalized someplace along the way. I tore myself apart just trying to feel alive somehow … too much on the plate. I didn’t have mechanisms in place to stop me … or at least throw up some roadblocks.

Those mechanisms are there now … and I’m listening. I’m not liking it, but I know full well where my outer edge is and the only way to stretch it is to get back to ground zero and go from there. So … I’m listening … I’m not liking it much … but there you go!

Dave’s really working with me … and I’m letting him know EXACTLY what is going on. I’ve found a new chiropractor, Dr. Thomas, who also was a former body builder and is amazed at what I’ve done to myself … and I’m using the year to actually LEARN!

Yeah – apparently you can teach an old kitten new tricks!

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