Still Rambling – Thursday

16 04 2009

One of those days. Things had to be taken care of and I probably shouldered far more of the blame than I should have, but it didn’t affect me until I realized that I’m so low energy right now.

I was thinking a lot about the paths I didn’t go down. Maybe it’s because I never fully fit in that I never completely committed to groups or myself. There are things that I now belive I’m ready to make some room for … and I wonder if I will be accepted.

What I never really liked when I did sports in the past was that “snooty” kind of a clubby attitude. It’s hard to explain. Maybe it’s because I never truly fit in with the other kids when I was on teams, because I felt like it was kind of exclusive – excluding those not in the group. I’ve found out over the years that I was a part of the group, but “well Lis, we’ve never really known how to take you, but we knew you would be there for us.”

I guess I am just interested in being “me”. That’s something that I wasn’t able to be when I was in Marin, if you can believe it. There were a handful that I felt I could relax around, but I’m learning that I know folks from a wide range of places – and many would never accept others. The sad thing, I guess, is that I simply put under wraps probably the most creative and expressive parts of me in order to try to fit in, and we all know how that completely failed.

I had a meeting today which kind of backed things up for the rest of the day. It was very important; moreso than I thought, but it’s left me completely drained. I’m still trying to get up the energy to go do the track workout in the gym … my head is a swirrl.

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell myself to not listen to the fearful … to go and pursue my love of tech theatre and the vibrance of costumes, period pieces and dance. I ran into a guy I’d met when I was doing tech theatre (and the “back up” chorus girl who had a bad habit of stealing scenes with a look) who never understood why I didn’t continue. “Unlike the rest of us, Lis, you had the big picture going all the time. We just had our lines and scenes … and, frankly, treated you like crap.”

McBride is doing Boston with his air. Happy has his arm just barely out of surgery and I’m freezing in an apartment in Denver.  Maybe just a few laps at the gym will break me out of this.

L.

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