Finding the gem … and Changing a Motivational Pattern …

20 05 2009

journal 4When Doc (what we’ll just call my bud the Sports Psychologist) asked for all my journals and such for the last couple of years to see if there was a trend, I’m sure he wasn’t expecting the quantity that he got. He was probably assuming that he’d get a flash drive with everything on it, not several bound books and binders. I guess although I’ve worked with computers since 1982, I still don’t completely trust them. Probably has a lot to do with the nature of electronic media … I donno. Anyway, I sent him everything I had. That takes a lot of trust actually because I tend to flush out my brain through a pen … and, with any luck, seeing things on paper gives me direction or the potential of seeing how completely in error my viewpoint has been.

The interesting thing about what he did was he tallied up recurring themes and said that he was surprised to see such an even path … and a path that I’d already noticed in the personal journals.journal 1 Just the stupid stuff that I kept seeing as just out of my grip. He also noticed that there were many things that I obviously wanted to either streamline or just to feel like I had a “normal” life that I would increasingly be blown away by how they just wouldn’t materialize. The one that really made him laugh was my mailing address. I’ve had a PO Box downtown for years. It was OK when I used to take a bus nearby or worked downtown, but it’s gotten to be a bit of a drag over the years. In an effort to streamline home, I’ve been trying to shift bills and such from my PO Box to my physical address. This shouldn’t be a problem, right?

journal 2

In those journals, there are dates that things didn’t show … pre-race notification, bills etc … but it appeared things were getting better so I tried to have bills that *needed* to be paid *immediately* sent to the home address … health insurance, electric bill, etc … things that were not available on-line.  As things kind of exploded and I started really going through the copious piles of crap in the house, I didn’t think too much of it … that is until I got to the point where I was looking at finances carefully and noticed “Hum … did Kaiser ever send that direct withdrawal form?”

Heart sank. Called Kaiser this morning to find out that according to their records my mail had been returned. It appears that the postal carrier must have been putting it in the wrong box or something even though Kaiser, finally, had the address right. journal

What’s the definition of Insanity? Doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome? Sigh. Ok … I know where I am with this now, and it is just a matter of regrouping … again. Of course, I’m concerned about getting re-accepted because of a lot of things, but most recently because I’ve actually been trying to be seen for my leg issue. I’m not sure if they’ll see that as a “pre-existing” condition and waiver it off. If that happens, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do.

trainingAs Doc waded through my training journals, he noticed something really interesting when he mated the days to my personal journal. DMcG probably already knows this … as does everyone else BUT me … but my training is usually liked to how the rest of the world is going. When I was competing race->race->race, it was like the only thing I felt I could do right was race and it was the only time I felt alive … but I did note that there was a sinking feeling of almost anger and disgust mixed along with it. Where I’d once been able to just toss away the whatnot of the day and go out and enjoy even a mediocre training walk, I put so much pressure on myself to make everything work … and not really accept that training means TRAINING one’s body to be able to handle the challenges …

“Lizzy – you used to love your training simply because you could get away from stuff  and spend time with Bailey or exploring a new route. Time to get back there. As you well know, the rest of the crap is going to be waiting for you when you get back … so take it a piece at a time, and go forward. There’s only forward … backward is boring!”

training 2

Unlike paying bills or putting up with nonsense, training is something I get to do!!!!  I know DMcG’s been trying to plow this into my head … reminding me that training is my  time to spend time out, with the dog or whatever …. racing is something I get to do because I do have fun with it. I’ve never really set goals, I’m starting to get why … but part of my re-wiring situation is this … racing is the prize for training. 

Getting the finances straightened out mellows the house out.
Getting the masters in line starts the next phase of things.
Getting the crapola out of the house makes me comfy having friends over.

But … what I’m going with right now … is my new mantra … which I’m sure  DMcG will remind me when I don’t feel like training:

Racing is the Prize for Training!!!!!

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