Not the greatest of weeks – but there were miles in there

27 07 2009

I won’t lie, I’m not happy with myself. It really stems more from working out a lot of things from my past and not getting a great deal of sleep. Some of the unresolved crap of my past does involve sports or simply the ability to see every step forward as a success and not a failure. A couple of friends of mine laughed that I’m a great coach to them but a really lousy one to myself … they are right and this is changing.

Doc Jack has been heartened that I’ve finally been able to put links on the things that have been bugging me. Since he’s known me for half a million years, he’s been able to see how things have manifested. Now it’s the not-so-simple matter of eradicate the memories … toss the Zombies over the proverbial fence. Yes – whatever you think about manifests … but sometimes whatever you stuff into the deepest recesses of your mind putrefies and manifests a horrible ooze and odor that can permeate the good …

So … there we go. I’m so sick of this that I described myself as as having the patience and attention span with myself of a gnat on speed … everything takes time and for some reason I feel like I’ve wasted so much of it. Doc Jack agrees with me that this belief is probably what kept me doing stupid things last year … the sad thing is that I can’t seem to get back anywhere near those living-on-adrenaline speeds right now.

The worst of it all is that I’m so scattered I can barely find my notes. I’ve cleared off my watch before writing down track work outs … which I have been completely dissatisfied with anyway. I know that having a record is extremely important, especially when one is going through a patch like 2009 is turning out to be, but it so disgusts me and I get this viceral feeling of failure and disgust that my last session with Doc Jerry heard me saying “you know, screw this. I give up. I’m being outstripped by butterflies and can’t seem to keep pace with even a snail.” Maybe he’s known me long enough, but he calmly said “Off to the Englewood Rec with you. Walk around the track on your heels and toes, go to the treadmill and sweat. Crawl under headphones, put one foot in front of the other and sweat. It’s too hot outside and you’ll try to kill yourself. You’ll be back soon … just remember you’re healing that leg and the rest of yourself.”

Thank GOD he didn’t say “have patience” … I want to take those words and RIP THEM IN TO A MILLION PIECES!!!

Dr Dr (Chiropractor) gave me another way to re-align the muscle fibers or something like that. I walked in on Friday limping. We went out in the parking lot where he watched me walk and I used him as a pylon. Felt good, but made me think that I was probably running on my track workout. Slow it down and have everything where it’s supposed to be.

The scary thing has been not being able to breathe well. It doesn’t feel like asthma, just like my lungs have shrunk. Wouldn’t doubt it. That and the minor chest pains which I’m attributing to stress.

One of the things that bores me to tears is walking flat and going around in circles. I like a little change of a hill here or there (of course, I’ll complain about those when I am not expecting them). I’ve been changing up the treadmill from 2.0 to random hills. The truly funny thing is that I actually have balance issues when I’m on a treadmill … could stem from my not being interested in watching tv while on the bloody thing and not paying attention. I do hop off and stretch my legs on the indoor track, but I don’t know if it is hurting or helping.

I’m back indoors for reasons including my dehydrating on walks even while carrying a lot of water and downing it … as well as Dr Dr wanting me on a stable surface while getting used to the cookies. grr spit. I’ve not really been enjoying it at all … but Doc Jack laughs and says that I’m working out stress and aggression so that’s a good thing.

I did get my car back. Was the catalytic converter falling out. Sigh. Decided to do my long walk locally instead of trying to potentially kill myself out at Chatfield. Last year, I think it was, I found myself lost and out of water on what started out as a cool morning but quickly turned into a very hot day. I finished completely depleted, seeing spots and downing whatever it was that was boiling away in the car only to chuck it up right thereafter. Sunday, I tried 12 on what felt like a cool morning. I need to get out far earlier, but I’ve been using my morning time for things I actually need my brain functioning for. 12 miles on a treadmill is sheer torture … I should know … been there, done that, got the E-ticket! I was having trouble with the breathing but it wasn’t an asthma attack or anything, I just felt like I couldn’t keep up. Stopped in the limited shade, caught my breath, told myself that my favorite distance is 13.1 miles (which it is) and got going again — happier until it happened again. I was one sweaty mess and I didn’t realize it until I cleaned out the water bladder that I was truly out of water by the end. I need to get a bigger backpack – but I hate the Camelbacks … they cut in.

When I was nearly finished, I really didn’t feel right. I thought I might pass out … which, sadly, isn’t unknown with me. I called my buddy Calvin because he’s got a relatively even voice … and is one of the few on my speedial who live in Colorado! He’s also probably one of the small handful of people I trust and who would do what I do … keep the one in trouble focused until they’re safe. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or throw up … After it was all said and done, I started to feel ashamed of myself. Why was this happening?

I’ve been really irritated with sweatting so much. Dave mentioned thyroid as a potential … he was right about the Reynauds. I’ve never had a problem in the past and all the blood work I’ve had done with requested thyroid testing has shown within proper ranges … but we are dealing with medical pseudo-professionals. I’m trying something new on myself in the homeopathic realm … let’s see what happens.

So … really slow and depressing 11.5 miles. The upside was that I finally got outside and wasn’t breating stale air! YEAH! Even more upside was that I was really proud of my legs … just not so with my entire upper body.

One thing at a time, hu? And maybe remembering that in a race situation, I’ve been dumping at least one full cup of water over my head at every water stop!

Total Miles:25.5 not including track.





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