Cleaning out and getting going ….

5 01 2010

Ok … so this is a little fuzzy …. but that’s the way things are at the beginning of the year.  My buddy Jon came out from Sonoma County for a weekend visit.  Kind of a trip actually.  He was my first SysAdmin when I was playing in the land of UNICOM …. when c1-shep became unicom!giggles.  I’d not seen Jon for nearly 25 years.  A real trip to go from thinking your friend was scary intelligent … to realizing that I’m just as intelligent as my friends … just in my own way.

This photo was shot where I was standing on the stage at Red Rocks … kind of a cool thing actually.  Looking around at the blank space with next to nothing on the stage … but ice … Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I’d been more of a ball buster and pushed my way though audio … then I realize that I didn’t enjoy it truly enough.  I’ve got great ears and the rest, but everything happens for a reason.

I was talking with a new bud of mine today.  The topic of drek and messes from the past came up.  We all have them and I’m sure that there are a couple of readers who will attempt to take me apart by my talking somewhat openly.  Today was a bit rough and I would have far preferred to have gone to the gym for a couple of hours.  It was more important for me to hold my own at work and academically.  The nonsense really didn’t bother me much except I just see through things … and I’m just setting good boundaries.

So – what am I skirting in this public forum?  Because I’m careful.  It’s how I am.  

2009 was a true shake out year.  I had to come to grips with a lot of things that are not exactly pleasant, but that’s fine.  I was betrayed by people I thought I could trust.  I cemented some of my new friendships, fortified some old ones, and opened up some places for new people to float on in.  I came very close to completely leaving racewalking because of this injured leg, but if it wasn’t for these various injuries, I probably wouldn’t have found some of my closest friends.  They are the ones who know how hard it has been for me to write many of the things that have appeared in this blog and how hard it has been for me to state a lot of things.

One of the hardest things from last year was not my being attacked, kicking back, and finding myself in court for protecting myself because I cracked a couple of the gang-banger’s ribs.  It was the still unsolved murder of my mother’s best friend, her “everyday” friend, of 43 years or so.  Mom having to identify the body.  Her friend being murdered in the protection of her gated courtyard; shot through the head.  When you don’t live near your folks … and you know you really don’t have any way of doing anything … really makes one feel useless.  My friends with cancer this year said the best gift I can give is to just be me.  I guess I don’t understand, but maybe I’m not supposed to.  After depressing race after depressing race, and then being able to read between the lines with Mom … because we’re a lot alike.  Hurt more than the embarrassment of being carried across the line in Virginia Beach … but that very act of being carried across by one of my best buddies and a racewalking buddy of hers taught me a whole hell of a lot.  I wouldn’t have met her if I’d not taken the risk on myself with racewalking. 

But that’s what life is about.

Life’s about the little things in between.  It’s about how we interweave with others and learn to trust and care.  Acceptance and moving forward … Things we used to depend on maybe aren’t as stable anymore … or maybe we’ve just grown out of them.  It’s not fair to damn using the past as the battering ram.

I’ve got a lot of messes that just are going to take time to clean up, but I’ve got some amazing folks who are moving forward … and we’re having fun.  This year, I know where I’ve been … so I’m surrounding myself with some amazing characters …. I’m not perfect, but neither are they.

A commitment to my exercise is a commitment to myself.  I can honestly say I’m staring at Disney with a completely different outlook.  I have a lot to learn but I’m surrounding myself with some of the most amazing … and quirky … people.  

Take the time … smell the roses … look at the leaves … marvel at the trees … and laugh with friends …

Changes are a foot …  Let’s get moving!

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