I Have A Temper…..

28 06 2011

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“Yeah – big whop Shep! So does everyone.”

Let me finish.

I have a temper, and I work hard to keep it channeled so it doesn’t get the better of me.

“Hu?”

I believe that temper arises out of a mix of genetics and circumstances. I have a pretty black & white pessimistic temper tempered by a multi-colored optimism. Hum – the zone between the two can be a violent place of contradiction and immobility.

When I am operating on limited sleep due to heat and stuff on my mind, my more harsh side comes out. I tend to keep myself to myself especially when I feel this way because being on the receiving end of my untempered blade can be far from pleasant.

The blade, however, is what I use to cleave away the nonsense out of my life, so I know how much it can hurt.

Cheating in any area of my life works for substandard goals because it produces substandard results and keeps me firmly planted in the middle-back-of-pack where I feel safe.

Until, however, I start feeling that cool blade of temper rising.

I have not been able to sleep since Sunday’s race. The thought of cheating keeps floating into my mind.

Cheating in racewalking is being caught with knees bent and feet off the ground. Pushing yourself is not getting caught.

Since I knew I wasn’t going to get any sleep, I “meditated” on the balcony last night. Hearing the tinkle of windchimes in the breeze, feeling that cool breeze, and soft splashing of the fountain finally fixed, I realized the off, somewhat paralyzing, and depressing feeling I have wrestled with since Saturday has nothing to do with anything but how I have allowed my laziness and fear to cheat me from really opening the door to my future.

I cannot find my own peace – or Inner Peace – until I stop cheating myself. I have to stop beating myself up, do what I can every day for that day, and couch my priorities in ways that truly work for me.

Heard this before? Yeah – it is because life is a process. You have to stumble around the track and one day you wake up and realize you aren’t stumbling anymore because you have created a new habit.

When I was dissecting a cat in class, I realized how much you can screw things up by going too fast and not paying attention. I also saw how people were ready to do cheats (like standing by when others did the work) rather than dealing with it themselves. I was surprised that after the detailed beginning, we could be a little rough – but care needed to still be taken.

Where does temper come in to play? Well – I have to become fed up on a lot of levels. To make self-discovery change stick, I do what seems to others to be painstakingly slow groundwork. When pushed even further, I do a hard cleave which takes time to heal from. Then it is back to little fine tuning.

For training – I have depended on my knowing I can push myself through a lot of pain and get the job done walking in running races. I have had too many distractions that I have allowed me to cheapen my training time and racing experiences, so I am kept in that “average” or “catch up” category.

I am too good for that. Inner Peace comes from taming the dragons and letting go of things I never realized I were holding on to as well as those things I know I have had a death grip on that are seriously out of date.

Let go. Open up. Use my temper to drive me for goals worthy of me and my drive.

Train ramble over. At school.

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