Bad hair day – or a metaphor for new growth

7 07 2011

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I have a friend who truly is driven nuts by my use of metaphorical imagery to make my point. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of my sharp tongue, however, can honestly say the metaphorical side sometimes is easier to deal with. This is why it is humorous that I found myseld using an off-the-cuff comment of my meta-phobic member of my inner circle as one of the larger growth spurts in a long time.

But then again, since it has to do with cutting away the drama of others and personal baggage that appears to be clouding my path, he might smile – while shaking his head saying “Yeah Lizzy,  we’ll see what really has changed over time. Quit talking and do it!”

I am not exactly one of those people who follows clothing and make-up trends. Never been an area that is of much concern to me. I used to wish I had a more feminine build or features, but I also accept me for what I have to deal with. Maybe it stems from my spending so much time analyzing the effects of mass media. Maybe it stems from my not fitting into boxes – no matter how hard I or others tried to cram me in. Whatever the reason, I have slowly gotten happier the less comparative I have gotten. 

Like many, I have been hamstrung by trying to fit in and there is damage. Flying upstream isn’t natural either. I would just like to find my own ocean and learn to sail.

Maybe I already have.

My training and racing have been a disaster for the past couple of years. I can fingerpoint – and others have done it for me – but it all comes down to my choices and the long reaching ramifications.

I didn’t much like myself and events in my life have been punnishing – even to a large frame female. I internalized hurtful thoughts. I didn’t forgive myself for mistakes and allowed others to beat me up with them.

What the hell does this have to do with getting my hair cut really a lot shorter than I am comfortable with?

Well – right before I went in, I had done a phase of stuff dejunking. The amount I got rid of would be impressive but the amount left is insane. I dealt with a lot of the “adult” crap that had been blocking my world. I knew that I had a lot more to do, but it was a start.

A buddy was here for altitude training and I saw how I can get myself back. I know I can do what I need to, but strange things cropped up.

To make changes stick, you have to make a radicle change. I told Michelle that I wanted my hair short to deal with the sweat issue.  She did a great job, but the minute she was finished, I felt sick.

If it was a wig I could get out from under, it would be fine, but it is going to take a while for it to grow out – even with my speedy hair growth.

I usually have my hair long in the front and can kind of hide behind it. Sadly, it became the style of irritating “celebrities” and a change was due.

With it being so short, I don’t recognize myself. Who I see is the angry & confused kindergartener who didn’t understand why she didn’t fit in. That was the last time I had my hair this short and it took a long time to grow out since hairdressers kept it more or less in the boy cut it had been mistakenly cut into.

I didn’t smile in school photos for years until I was rather fat. I spent a lot of time confused. I was taunted and teased, which is hard for any kid, but I internalized it more than most.

Yeah I know that is a long time ago, but sometimes formative stuff has a way of cropping up at the wrong time.

In this case, I know the formative stuff created some of the negative ground for my motivation and drive. The phrase “how’s it working for yiu?” Comes in to play. The heavy weight has done me no good – even when I put it aside
It has to be ripped out for good while accepting the lessons.

So my hair will grow but I am also growing to understand what motivated me – positive and negative.

The difference is that I am not saying the past has to be healed.  It can’t be. Past cannot be corrected. It is past. It is dead and gone, but it cannot be ignored because it is part of your foundation to build your future.

Sometimes you have to go backward to move forward. As long as you don’t live there or dwell too long.

Deal. Don’t ignore. Learn. Grow. Move on.

Hair grows daily  and so do I.

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